Dear Daughter: The Heart of Modesty

This post in part of a continuing series addressed to my daughters, but also for the benefit of younger women everywhere. While this particular post addresses modesty, it does not cover all aspects of it. I will be writing a second letter in the near future addressing what was not discussed in this current letter.



Dear Daughter,


Modesty is such a touchy issue to address, especially for young ladies. While the Bible is clear that women are to be modest (few believers would argue this particular point), it does not seem to define it definitively in terms of hem length, necklines, slits, tightness, looseness, straps or no straps, bikinis, undergarments, or anything else. And for good reason...


Modesty is never, NEVER, N.E.V.E.R. just a clothing and style issue. It is always first and foremost a heart issue. And the issue of the heart is usually vanity and pride.


The reality that it's a heart issue may have escaped your notice, but how we dress reveals a lot about the state of our heart at that very moment. In fact, your clothing is an advertisement to everyone who sees you, like a billboard designed to grab one's attention. 


A modest attire tells others you value yourself as well as your "neighbor", but more importantly, it reveals that you value your relationship with your Savior. 


Immodest clothing announces your focus is clearly on self with little thought of others and that you are seeking attention. And it distinctly communicates that in this particular area you are not seeking to please God, but man.


It may seem harsh for me to make such a bold claim... that an immodest, Christian young lady is being selfish and vain. But to ignore this fact and pretend it's really just her flair for fashion, or a need for self expression, or even her "cluelessness" is really the same as approving of her sin and does nothing to set her back on the right path. 


While the responsibility for addressing the sin lies first and foremost with her parents (who should be diligent to instruct her in proper clothing from an early age and certainly before an immodest attire is paraded in public), it does not mean that a young lady is not responsible for her own modesty. With each passing year, she should be gaining wisdom of her own and have less of a need for her parents to "rule over her" with a firm hand. 


If her heart is seeking to please the Lord, then a simple study of modesty from the Bible will be sufficient to guide her in proper wisdom and understanding when it comes to her clothing. And because her heart is seeking that which is honoring to God, she will see the instruction as good and for her benefit, not as a "punishment". This is the young lady who will be creative within the boundaries she knows will please her Lord and she will cheerfully find a way to be fashionable and yet modest.


However, a girl who is rebelling against God or perhaps seeking to please her own flesh, when given counsel from her parents or from the Word, will reflect an irritation in her soul that is seen in her attitude and response when confronted. Such a young lady will complain or whine about how restricting the proper clothing is, that it's not fair others can wear the latest fashion, or how ridiculous the modest attire looks on her. Nothing pleases her unless she wins her parents over to allow her to wear what she desires. Life for her is miserable and she will never find joy even if she obeys her parent's wishes to the letter unless she repents of the sin in her heart first. 


Many a girl has worn clothing that covered almost her entire body, only to flaunt her figure by walking in a provocative manner while teasing and flirting with every young man who happens to come across her path. Why? Most don't know why they do this. All they know is that it makes them feel good when boys pay attention to them. But the truth of the matter is... by seeking to stir up emotions in the opposite sex, her heart was chasing after their attention and approval in order to flatter her vanity and pride. 



So what counsel does God's Word give in terms of the heart of modesty? 


• Have you ever hear of the word "shamefacedness"? This word is synonymous with modesty and if you do a word study on it, you'll find that it means "a sense of shame or honor, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, regard for others, and respect". Do young ladies parading around in tight fitting, low cut tops or short skirts make you think of any of these character qualities? Probably not! Oh, where are the maidens of our day? This isn't about stepping back into a Victorian Era, but rather obeying 2 Timothy 2:9, "Likewise I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly...". 


• We are to put others before ourselves, even in our clothing choices! "Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 2:3-5. This means that you need to protect not only your own body and heart, but that of your brother in Christ who could very easily stumble when he sees too much of your body. 


You need to KNOW that men are created by God to be attracted to women visually (and actually, we like this fact). Often women forget this on a surface level, but truthfully, we think of this a lot more than we may realize. When girls are still single and looking for "Mr. Right" to come along, almost every young lady makes an attempt to look her best when she knows she is going to be in the presence of other young men. So to say "I don't get it" is an excuse and actually closer to an out right lie at times! As girls, we "get it", but we just don't want to acknowledge it because we want to please our own flesh.


• This idea of the opposite sex brings me to another point that you may be thinking... Am I my brother's keeper? To some degree, yes! "Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself;" (Romans 15:1-3a). As far as it in your ability to do so, help your brother not to sin and go the extra mile to be modest. Don't worry... he WILL notice. Chaste young women are extremely attractive to young men looking for a wife!


• The saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans" does not apply to things that would be sin. So wearing an item to an "event" that would otherwise be considered inappropriate so as to blend in and "be a witness" doesn't cut it! God never gives us a pass from obeying His Word to win others to Christ. We think too little of our Lord and our fellow man when we think that doing right can not possibly bring others to Christ, even if it seems offensive or silly to them at first. And why would they need a Savior if they already have all that you seem to have? They won't see their need unless they see the righteousness of Christ lovingly and beautifully portrayed, radiating from the believer.



• Sometimes we need to go the extra mile, going even beyond the minimum, and clothe ourselves in such a way as to not give offense to a brother or sister in Christ or another group of people who might struggle with our attire even if our clothing isn't considered immodest according to Biblical standards. Missionaries often find themselves in such situations when living abroad. Is it too much to do the same when visiting a church or family you know has standards different than your own family? As long as we do not become legalistic in setting such standards, we are not forbidden to honor the standards of the weaker brother. Instead, Paul tells us to practice such standards in their presence until God helps them to see the truth. (I Corinthians 8)


• When our heart rebels against what we know to be true, such as the Scriptures above, we need to take note and do some serious introspection and root out the sin in our heart with the help of the Holy Spirit. Don't brush it off and think it's no big deal! It is!! Deal with it prayerfully. Don't ignore it or in time, you won't hear the Holy Spirit at all in this regard and you'll be so deep in your sin, you'll be less likely to repent. Remember Romans 1:18-19! 



My dear, I believe the Lord purposefully did not give strong specifics in regards to our clothing for several reasons, but one reason in particular stands out in my mind... if He had given us detailed guidelines, we would probably push the limit right up to the edge and check off modesty as if it were only an outward requirement and never consider the modesty of our heart. I pray that your heart will forever and always be His! 


Love,
Mom

Dear Daughter... Keeping It Real

By request of several friends, I've been asked to continue my Dear Daughter series. Yes, they are for my daughters, things I want to say about life and becoming a godly woman, but they are for all of us, myself included! I hope you find inspiration and perhaps even a springboard for conversation with your own daughter.



Dear Daughter,


How real should we be in front of others?


Lately, I've seen and heard a lot of comments about the idea of being transparent. The premise is, if you're not real, no one can relate to you. Without transparency, others won't let you in their life to help them because they think you really don't understand. Sounds reasonable.


There's plenty of "transparency" on facebook. Seems like it's the new venue for letting it all hang out. And it's not just teens, but people of all ages revealing attitudes, thoughts, and their wildest desires. And then there's the blog world. This past week, I read a blog that was slamming another blog tongue and cheek over the fact that they weren't being real. In doing so, they were very transparent! However, I can congratulate them that in this situation they were not being hypocritical.


On the other hand, there are those who have set the standard so high that they don't want to give the appearance of not living up to the very standard they are proposing, so they stay as far away from being real as possible (and often without realizing it). These are the commenters and bloggers who seem to have the "perfect life"; every room in order, children happily and cheerfully obeying, dinner on time with all the trimmings, and husband who takes them out on date nights regularly without a hitch. Not a hiccup to be seen for miles in any direction!


The good thing about some of these "unreal" comments or blogs is that they are often the very same people that inspire us to strive further than we are currently reaching. This can give us a good kick in the pants to get up and get busy. They display the beauty that our hearts are seeking after and aspire to bring into our own homes (unfortunately, they can also make us discouraged to the point that we give up and think our lives are never going to be "perfect"). But let me ask you... have you ever really been "inspired" by a blogger who poured out all the "real" in her life post after post after post? You may have been entertained, but were you motivated and energized? And what about that friend whose "real" comments on facebook are endless? Did it draw you to or away from that person after a while?


Computers aren't the only place we get these diverse misconceptions. For years we've known that magazines, television, and movies were purveyors of this sort of discontentment. But let's get even more "real"... how often have we looked at our friends sitting in the pews around us at church and thought "they wouldn't understand... their lives are prefect" or "their husbands are wonderful godly men" or "how come they can do it all and I can't" even get dinner on time?" And that's just for starters! We're skilled craftsmen at all kinds of lopsided notions when we see only a glimpse and not the whole picture.


Well then... which is it? Real or unaffected? Transparent or hidden? Should we seek to draw others to us and reveal the ugly or should we seek to inspire at a distance?


I think you can guess where this is going...


Too much transparency is exactly that... too much! If we only show our "real" selves, we will never inspire others or even ourselves that we can reach for a higher prize. And yet, someone who never shows one bit of her heart and yes, even a few of her failures, won't inspire either. Instead, over time, she whittles away at the very thing she had hoped to instill in others.


If you're wondering how to know exactly when to be real and when to be more guarded, you're not going to find the answer in this letter. You'll only find it as you walk with the Holy Spirit. Some of us have a personality that naturally makes us fall into the camp of being realists, laughing at ourselves as we fumble through life, while others instinctively clam up and want to look good before others and not reveal our mistakes. Don't be fooled, the root sin of both is often pride because we are seeking acceptance of man, but we're just going about it differently.


So next time you want to let it all hang out, remember...

• Don't assume that others have it all together. In fact, know for SURE that they don't. When you're sitting at church or anywhere else for that matter, seeing everyone in their Sunday best (and maybe feeling a bit inferior yourself), remember what is true (they don't have it all together) and then pray for them that the secret things in their lives will be given to God and worked out for His glory!


• Don't reveal so much that you loose your effectiveness for inspiring others, especially the very people you're trying to relate to. Think twice before posting that comment on facebook and reread your emails and blog posts. Ask yourself if you've included enough to encourage your friends to rise above their current situation or circumstances rather than revealing so much that they feel like they've just wallowed in the pit right along side you.


• Don't join in when others start to get too real! You'll recognize the situation when silly talk is flowing freely and coarse jesting is the norm (Ephesians 5:4). 


• Don't be so guarded that you never share anything you're struggling with. It just ain't natural! Seriously, you may inspire for a moment, but over time, you'll find yourself all alone in your Pollyanna world that you've carefully tried to craft.


• Do listen to the Holy Spirit, and if He whispers to you to be real, then be humble enough to share what He's laid on your heart. Just be careful that it's no more and no less than what He's told you to say.


• Being real and speaking the truth does not mean you forgo tact. Choose your words carefully even when being real so that you communicate what you intend and not innuendo. Once your words are out, they can not be retrieved.


I'm reminded of a story someone once told about a magnificent tapestry they had a chance to view. When no one was looking, they reached up and moved back a corner to reveal the underneath side of the wall hanging, only to find a mess of threads going every which way. What was chaos and disorder had been transformed into something beautiful. You, my daughter, are priceless! And even your struggles and trials in life are part of a greater tapestry the Lord is lovingly weaving together. Let Him be the Artist of how and when it is woven!


Love,
Mom


And for all my blogland friends...

When you see pictures like this...

remember that there ARE times like this...

And if you see a photo like this...

keep in mind that you may not be seeing this...

Dear Daughter... Keeping Our Femininity

I realize there are men that read Homestead Revival™, but may I take a day to specifically address not only my daughters, but our female readers on the topic of femininity? (Guys, you're more than welcome to post your comments on this topic as well). 


Ladies, this topic has come up in my own home, especially as of late, and I felt that I wasn't communicating my thoughts to my own daughters very clearly or graciously. Writing it out has helped me tremendously and it reflects my own interpretation of scripture. Perhaps it is a discussion in some of your own homes as well. If so, I hope it helps. Also, I pray that everyone (including my daughters) will remember that this is how we should be characterized; none of us will probably ever do this perfectly 365 days a year, myself included!


Dear Daughter,


As you already know, having a house full of daughters, it's easy for our home to become a "girl world". And yet, living miles outside of town where a knock on the door is rare, it's also easy to become very relaxed in our day to day living, specifically in our appearance. 


But really, any excuse is as good as any when you're homesteading and maybe tired, working out in the yard or the chicken coop, gardening in the dirt, canning in a hot kitchen.... you get the idea. Soon, we have swapped out the nice clean shirt for one with paint and a hole (daily instead of when we're actually painting), we skip the makeup for the day, decide we'll wash (or brush!) our hair later, and tell ourselves no one will see us. 


Our family does. And our men do! 


And before you know it... we're characterized by looking haggered, tired, and overall... unattractive.


Because our men are typically such great guys, they won't say a word (and because they're smart, they don't want to say the wrong thing, like "Honey, that dress makes you look 10 pounds heavier than you really are, I'm sure.") 


First, whether we wear jeans and cowboy boots, a skirt and head covering, capris and a t-shirt, it's important that we look like a lady! Don't just take my word on this. Look to God's Word for direction on the subject... while you may interpret Deuteronomy 22:5 differently, at the very minimum, we can agree that a man was to look like a man and a woman was to look like a woman. 


 “A woman shall not wear man’s clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God."


At the time this passage was written, everyone wore a tunic of some kind, but apparently there were little nuances that made the difference between a man's tunic and a woman's. Hmmm...


We need to seriously consider what God desires for women to do when it comes to being feminine. There is the minimum expectation and then there are things we can do that might enhance our femininity even further, without being legalistic, specifically things that please our husbands that are not forbidden by scripture.  


Second, we also need to remember that God is a god of order. We see this reflected throughout the Bible, but I Cor. 14:39 immediately comes to mind... 



"But all things must be done properly and in an orderly manner." I Cor. 14:39.

This verse may be speaking about prophesying in tongues, but in general, it's speaking about how we conduct ourselves... period. God would not have us orderly in our speech, but disheveled in our appearance, would He? God took great care to place your eyes, nose, and mouth in an orderly arrangement that has not varied from person to person... so apparently, He has shown us that a systematic display of facial features is important.


Taking care to maintain ourselves is not just "acceptable", it's a statement that we recognize God's desire for us to be orderly as well. Brushing our hair, arranging it in a pleasing manner, and keeping our bodies clean are all ways we reflect His order. Even things like neatly trimmed or manicured nails, ironing a skirt, or making sure the blouse has all the buttons sewn in place communicates our submission to His will. And when we do it with joy, it pleases our Heavenly Father. 

And finally, what about God's character in terms of beauty? While we may not always feel beautiful, shouldn't we try to reflect all His character at all times, including beauty?


"but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." I Peter 3:4


 I'll be the first to agree that we should not spend more time on our outward beauty than our inner beauty. Proverbs 31:30 warns us specifically of a woman who only relies on her outward beauty, but this warning was not a command to purposefully make ourselves ugly; nor was it a license to neglect our appearance and let ourselves go. 

There is no biblical requirement for us to wear costly clothing. But I hope you can see there is a call to look like a lady, as well as to be clean, neat, and as attractive as possible given the context of the moment. Doing hard work should not be an excuse, nor should the fact that we think no one else will see, because we never know what the day will hold and who may grace our doorstep! And our husbands and family? Do they not deserve our very best? Who else should we want to please the most other than our Lord? 

When the time comes that you are married, ask your husband what he prefers (or ask your father now), but typically most men appreciate a woman who...

• knows the difference between frumpy and baggy clothes as well as too tight, too short, and immodest

• realizes that a tad of natural looking makeup is good; too much is gaudy

• wears a dress or skirt daily or on occasion 

• realizes jewelry should be an accent, not overpowering or distracting

• is neat and clean in appearance, even at home, but isn't afraid to get dirty when necessary
• who is modest inside and out; in character and her adornment; (the internal gives birth to the external and God does not pit the internal against the external, but rather he calls them to be in harmony)


How we walk, our speech, our manners at the table... all contribute to our appearance. A young lady who laughs so loud as to drown out others, chews her food with an open mouth, or talks incessantly about herself or anything else, for that matter, detracts from any physical beauty she may naturally possess. Rather than drawing people to her, she ends up pushing them away. 


God made you to be a woman for His pleasure and His glory; it's an opportunity to reflect the beauty of the Lord within you. Don't miss out on the blessing you've been given! And don't miss this moment in time to bless those around you.


Love,
Mom

Dear Daughter... Letter One

This May, my husband and I will celebrate 27 years of marriage! Next January I will be almost half a century young (does that really make me old?). And now my hair really is getting very grey! (I like to think of it as natural highlights). Thankfully, I have walked with Christ for 29 of those years! Perhaps, just maybe, I qualify as an older woman in the Lord who might speak to the younger in years and impart some wisdom from having traveled through a bit of life. 

I do not think of myself as an expert on any topic and others could certainly qualify more than myself, but I keep thinking... what would I do differently if I were 21 again? And thankfully, not everything I did was wrong. I really did get a few things right, so I've also been thinking of what I would do again if I were 21.

Really... it's all about what I would like to pass on to my daughters. Truths I want them to know; ideas that worked better than others; things I wish I had heard as a young woman years ago. So, with Titus 2:3-5 in mind, I will occasionally be writing a blog post specifically with my daughters (and perhaps some of you!) in mind.


Shall I begin?

Dear Daughter,


There are things in life that you must experience yourself to truly understand, but my heart would have you seek and hear wisdom in order to make the most of the days ahead of you. Some women gain profound wisdom in the dawn of their life while others remain fools until the sun sets in the end. Perhaps you would consider a few thoughts on what I would do differently if I were young again, but with the hindsight of wisdom; things that you can apply to your life early on while the sun is still rising.


It's hard to know where to begin because it would seem that I would address the most important thing first. I find that very difficult because so many things seems to be a priority. Perhaps it would be better if I write as the Holy Spirit leads; as things come to mind and as I meet them face to face on a daily basis.


Which leads me to thoughts of pride, humility, and a teachable spirit...


If I were young again, I would listen more and talk less. I would ask more questions and ponder the answers. I would withhold my opinions unless asked, and when given, I would try to do so in only one or two sentences! While young, I would save my soapbox for journals and prayer before God, asking Him to sort out those things that seem unjust and to guide me in actions more than talk! (While there is a time and a place to speak and be bold, let it be for the biblical truths that are clear in scripture; the black rather than the grey areas, and always covered in love.) 


It's easy to think that you see the whole picture on a subject, but so many times I gave such strong opinions on something, only to find a few minutes later that I did not have all the information or had not even considered some related thought! And then there were the uncomfortable moments when I allowed an opinion to escape my mouth to suddenly realize I had said something directly about the person before me!


Do you always feel you are the one who is right? Does the inner soul claw to have the last word? Can you only see your own view on something? Do you always feel you must add your own thoughts to every conversation or lesson? Is your way the only way? Is pride not at the root of all these thoughts and emotions? 


Pride has a way of stripping you of joy. It robs you of the wonder of learning and seeing new things. It destroys love, kills kindness, and drives others away because it lays your heart bare for others to see the ugly places of the heart. It hurts and destroys rather than edifying and building up. "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands" (Prov. 14:1). Could this not have also been written "... the foolish tears it down with her own opinion? pride? mouth?"

Humility is the counter balance to pride. It is not a debasing of one's self, but rather knowing you are a daughter of the King and as such, a servant of His people! Your royal position is one of service and graciousness, rather than entitlement and scorn. As a princess, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought... but think so as to have sound judgement" (Rom. 13:1). Hear others, listen to their thoughts, and consider their ideas for at least five full minutes before giving your counter. Guard your mouth that you only use it to build up others rather than the giving of subtle comments and opinions in an effort to build yourself up. 


Without a teachable spirit no amount of counsel I give (or anyone else!) will every penetrate your soul; it can only be obtained when pride and humility have their proper place within the heart and when you've cultivated a desire to grow in the Lord. I pray that this will characterize your life throughout your entire life. 


Dear daughter, put off pride and clothe yourself with humility every morning! Wear it throughout the day as a covering. Ask the Lord to set a guard over your heart so that your spirit is teachable to the things that are true and profitable. Practice these things first and foremost with your own family, especially with your husband. He will respect you all the more for it and treasure you as a queen; your children will see and believe!


Whole books could be written on these three things, but it's not our minds that need convincing... it's our hearts! Oh, to have the years back to live these truths out when I failed to do so! I pray you have fewer regrets and more joy as you walk humbly with the Lord in this world.


Love, 
Mom

This post has been added to Raising Homemakers